I place a letter here for all the times I've logged on the server.
For every time I was excited, saddened, weighed, dreadful, joyful.
The stars aligned at the worse time for many, but the best for me.
Otherwise who knows what could've happened?
To let go is to grow.
Hello everyone! You may know me as Aaron. I have two iconic usernames in the server, my main and my alt account. Did you know they're technically, having a conversation?
_ImHere4You_
WhoTfAreU_
Everyone has once made the Ay-ay-Ron bit when I interduce my name too. It actually became a weird thing when people don't do it. Like everyone before me who has made a similar titled post, you probably know what's coming up next. A heartfelt thread(letter) as I slowly fade from SchoolRp. I want to act like I'm the most mature out there, and that the server and me leaving has nothing bad ever to it- and that all is well, and it's just a matter of me growing up and away.
That's not, really the case. Many factors counted into this decision, and as I slowly allow myself the chance to finally step away from this server, and let go in a sense. I struggle to let go. In real life, and online. I keep too many things, and almost a lot of them are things I don't need at all. Or have not needed in a very long time. So many old clothes, books, letters, grades, are stocked up in a corner. Weighing up on me every single time I enter.
This includes my online presence in SRP. Once upon a time, I continuously logged on with nothing but excitement. It's the present. I found SRP at the start of COVID. I remember how enamored I was with everything in it. Part of me grew up with SRP as the activity I was most excited for. I found my bestest of friends on it, I honed in my writing skills, and fell in love with and out of SRP so many times over the last few years,, but I think, this one is it.
At some point, we begin to hold on too tightly.
At some point, the grip we have on something-
Once dear to us, grows harmful.
I realized this in July of this year. I was tired. I didn't want to stop getting on SRP, but everytime I did, I can almost feel how miserable it became. Roleplay in the server stopped hitting the same, everytime I got on it was a mixture of dread and anxiety, and almost all the time - nothing good came out of it. Like those letters and clothes piled in the corner of my room, I began to resent getting in my room to begin with. Just how I began to resent SRP.
I didn't want to let it go, and I wasn't willing to deal with it.
More options seemed more miserable.
So I just decided to take an inactivity. A temporary stepback to recollect myself. It all started with this message.
I stopped getting on SchoolRP. I moved to a different minecraft modpack where the servers list wouldn't display its name first hand. I stopped discussing it with my friends. I was, just hiding from the issue really. It was clear I no longer enjoyed it. I no longer had a desire to even get on, and updates about peoples' characters - my - friends' characters would just make me dread getting on.
Mum told me to get up and finish those damn clothes ten times already,
I still didn't.
I don't really know why I held on to the hope that I will one day enjoy it again. I saw some of my friends enjoying it immensely, I heard of what plotlines they're in, and thought maybe in time, ill enjoy it again. But the clothes are already old, and they don't fit me anymore. They haven't in years. A part of me just enjoyed seeing them there, hoping one day they'll become brand new.
...
It took me five more months before I realized, I can't do it. I couldn't get on SRP without forcing myself on. I couldn't even think about it without feeling a sense of immense dread. As if it were some nine-to-five that I just had to clock in or I'm losing food on the table. I'd get on and just AFK. Like entering the room and just stare at the pile of clothes. I think, I came to the realization, that I was worried what I'd do then. I'd have a very open space in my room, but SRP is what ties me with so many people. These clothes are what ties me to a younger version of myself.
I really, really, needed to clean.
When I first logged on SRP, I was in grade eight or nine. Now, I am a second year in college studying Psychology. I am the president of the debate club in my college, and ironically- similar to Occult Club - It was an inheritance. There was a generation of the debate club that came before me that graduated. I realized, I built a life that no longer revolved around when I'll get on SRP.
Those who know me, know that I didn't leave the roleplay scene.
but I did, finally, after so many months and year, change the genre.
SRP represented a part of me that has long left. In COVID, where the only thing I can do is to get online and play. I guess this is more of how I let go of SRP. Many compare it to a toxic-ex that you keep coming back too, but I'm hoping I won't come back. Y'know, that ex is toxic for a reason. I really, adore SchoolRP. And all the memories I had in it. I will forever adore what good it brought me, but the good cannot forever hide the fact that it no longer fit me. That dread of getting online is not something I want to experience again.
So, what now?
I will finish my run as the Occult Club Leader.
Wrap up Zankokuna Ai-Tojo.
Resign from the Saiky and Heddo families respectively.
and retire my passion project, The Ai Family.
_ImHere4You_
WhoTfAreU_
Everyone has once made the Ay-ay-Ron bit when I interduce my name too. It actually became a weird thing when people don't do it. Like everyone before me who has made a similar titled post, you probably know what's coming up next. A heartfelt thread(letter) as I slowly fade from SchoolRp. I want to act like I'm the most mature out there, and that the server and me leaving has nothing bad ever to it- and that all is well, and it's just a matter of me growing up and away.
That's not, really the case. Many factors counted into this decision, and as I slowly allow myself the chance to finally step away from this server, and let go in a sense. I struggle to let go. In real life, and online. I keep too many things, and almost a lot of them are things I don't need at all. Or have not needed in a very long time. So many old clothes, books, letters, grades, are stocked up in a corner. Weighing up on me every single time I enter.
This includes my online presence in SRP. Once upon a time, I continuously logged on with nothing but excitement. It's the present. I found SRP at the start of COVID. I remember how enamored I was with everything in it. Part of me grew up with SRP as the activity I was most excited for. I found my bestest of friends on it, I honed in my writing skills, and fell in love with and out of SRP so many times over the last few years,, but I think, this one is it.
At some point, we begin to hold on too tightly.
At some point, the grip we have on something-
Once dear to us, grows harmful.
I realized this in July of this year. I was tired. I didn't want to stop getting on SRP, but everytime I did, I can almost feel how miserable it became. Roleplay in the server stopped hitting the same, everytime I got on it was a mixture of dread and anxiety, and almost all the time - nothing good came out of it. Like those letters and clothes piled in the corner of my room, I began to resent getting in my room to begin with. Just how I began to resent SRP.
I didn't want to let it go, and I wasn't willing to deal with it.
More options seemed more miserable.
So I just decided to take an inactivity. A temporary stepback to recollect myself. It all started with this message.
I stopped getting on SchoolRP. I moved to a different minecraft modpack where the servers list wouldn't display its name first hand. I stopped discussing it with my friends. I was, just hiding from the issue really. It was clear I no longer enjoyed it. I no longer had a desire to even get on, and updates about peoples' characters - my - friends' characters would just make me dread getting on.
Mum told me to get up and finish those damn clothes ten times already,
I still didn't.
I don't really know why I held on to the hope that I will one day enjoy it again. I saw some of my friends enjoying it immensely, I heard of what plotlines they're in, and thought maybe in time, ill enjoy it again. But the clothes are already old, and they don't fit me anymore. They haven't in years. A part of me just enjoyed seeing them there, hoping one day they'll become brand new.
...
It took me five more months before I realized, I can't do it. I couldn't get on SRP without forcing myself on. I couldn't even think about it without feeling a sense of immense dread. As if it were some nine-to-five that I just had to clock in or I'm losing food on the table. I'd get on and just AFK. Like entering the room and just stare at the pile of clothes. I think, I came to the realization, that I was worried what I'd do then. I'd have a very open space in my room, but SRP is what ties me with so many people. These clothes are what ties me to a younger version of myself.
I really, really, needed to clean.
When I first logged on SRP, I was in grade eight or nine. Now, I am a second year in college studying Psychology. I am the president of the debate club in my college, and ironically- similar to Occult Club - It was an inheritance. There was a generation of the debate club that came before me that graduated. I realized, I built a life that no longer revolved around when I'll get on SRP.
Those who know me, know that I didn't leave the roleplay scene.
but I did, finally, after so many months and year, change the genre.
SRP represented a part of me that has long left. In COVID, where the only thing I can do is to get online and play. I guess this is more of how I let go of SRP. Many compare it to a toxic-ex that you keep coming back too, but I'm hoping I won't come back. Y'know, that ex is toxic for a reason. I really, adore SchoolRP. And all the memories I had in it. I will forever adore what good it brought me, but the good cannot forever hide the fact that it no longer fit me. That dread of getting online is not something I want to experience again.
So, what now?
I will finish my run as the Occult Club Leader.
Wrap up Zankokuna Ai-Tojo.
Resign from the Saiky and Heddo families respectively.
and retire my passion project, The Ai Family.
Maybe I'll get on sometimes.
But until then, all of the clothes are folded neatly in a box in the storage. Washed, and kept as a memory.
To my Magnum Opus, Zankokuna Ai.
Zankokuna's Biography
The Ai Family
To A character that shaped my stay here.
To a stay that never lasted.
This was Aaron.
Signing out :).
