[ As you click on the report. You see a link on the page. No description, no title. Just a link
The link brought you to a video titled ‘RIKIYA KOZUKA: The return of the king’. The title has Rikiya on it, so you can't help but click it.
The video begins and the camera zooms in on a person on a chair, however, he was facing the other way. Eerie music starts building up as we get closer and closer.
Suddenly, the person turns around.
OH MY GOD! IT'S RIKIYA KOZUKA!! (which should be obvious) ]
RIKIYA
I'm back, [BLEEP]es.
[ The video cuts to a title card with the words ‘I’M BACK BENCHES’ on it. Then an explosion effect. Bob Ross' theme song began playing, and it seems like it will be playing throughout the video.
Finally, we cut to Rikiya sitting in a Jimmy Kimmel-like office desk. ]
Finally, we cut to Rikiya sitting in a Jimmy Kimmel-like office desk. ]
RIKIYA
Hey people. It's me, Rikiya Kozuka. But you probably already know who I am.
Yeah, I've been away. I was in Sendai visiting my family around late December, I was actually double-majoring in two different colleges, and yes, that is a thing you can do. But I've finished my semester in Sendai so I am back!!
Being away made me realize things I don't usually realize about myself . .
I am literally such an annoying person.
But why? Why am I like this..?
Today I've invited myself to an interview. To truly understand me better.
LADIES AND GENTS WELCOME TO THE STAGE, ME!
[ the video cuts to Rikiya (again) walking over to sit on a Jimmy Kimmel-like couch beside the other Rikiya…? Good editing, good editing.
The Rikiya sitting on the interviewer seat wore a suit, just like a talk show host, while the interviewee Rikiya wore more casual clothes. ]
For the sake of this report, interviewer Rikiya will be tagged RED and interviewee Rikiya will be BLUE.
The Rikiya sitting on the interviewer seat wore a suit, just like a talk show host, while the interviewee Rikiya wore more casual clothes. ]
For the sake of this report, interviewer Rikiya will be tagged RED and interviewee Rikiya will be BLUE.
RIKIYA
Welcome, Mr. Kozuka. It's great to have you here!
RIKIYA
Yea, no. It's great to be here, thanks for having me.
RIKIYA
Thank you for agreeing to sit down and teaching me about the wondrous world of being, well, me!
RIKIYA
I mean, I wouldn’t call it ‘wondrous’. I’m a struggling, homosexual college student who exclusively listens to wallows. But yeah man, you’re welcome!
RIKIYA
So how's life going for you, huh? Good, bad?
RIKIYA
Decent. It's been.. err- interesting. 2022 is not my year, but hey, we move.
RIKIYA
Such wise words. Why just decent?
RIKIYA
Well.. I don't know. Guess sometimes we just have to accept what life throws at us, and that's what life threw at me.
RIKIYA
Word.
RIKIYA
Damn straight.
RIKIYA
So I heard you're the best person ever in the world. How does that feel?
RIKIYA
You see, Rikiya. Me being the best person alive ever.. That's not a fact. It’s true but it's not a fact. It’s a state of mind. If you wanna be the best ever, you have to manifest it, my dude.
RIKIYA
So true, man. Word!
RIKIYA
To be the best person alive, you must think like the best person alive. You gotta FEEL it, brah. Not everyone is gonna agree with you but that's okay. You are still the ultimate BEAST!
[ Interviewer Rikiya claps and an audience clapping stock audio began playing ]
RIKIYA
Alright, after this we’re gonna get into your journalism career but first a fan of yours would like to ask a question.
[ the video cuts to yet again, another version of Rikiya. This one was wearing a blond bowl-cut wig and a fake mustache. He was sitting in a suspiciously dark room. ]
this Rikiya will be tagged yellow.FANKIYA.
Hello Rikiya Kozuka I'm a big fan! My name is Fankiya and I have a couple of questions for you. First of all, how do you get your hair so nice? Drop the hair care routine! And second. What motivates you to be the person you are today? Goodbye. Please don't check your attic.
[ The video cuts back to the Interviewee x Interviewer Rikiya (also known as Jimmikiya FallonKimmelKozuka) set up ]
RIKIYA
That was so unsettling, please don't do that ever again.
Anyways, yeah no I just use conditioner daily and keep it messy. But for the second question . . I don't know, I guess I'm quite motivated by love. Platonic, romantic, family love. I guess knowing that some people still have hope for me makes me want to do things in life, you know?
RIKIYA
Like making a furry report?
RIKIYA
This guy knows what's up!
[ They try to high-five each other but fail miserably cause this was filmed separately, obviously. ]
RIKIYA
Alright, before we end this lets ask the big questions, the Journalism related stuff.
So, I heard you quit the club a few months ago, why is that? We all missed you so much.
RIKIYA
Well, I graduated high school and got busy with other stuff. Plus, after my big debut on my furry report, the fame was too much to handle! Although, I gotta say that I am not happy with who they replaced me with. It's that annoying little kid . . What was his name? Luke? Lucy? Luca Cabret! What a weirdo . .
RIKIYA
Word! So, actually going back to that furry report. What inspired you to make that report? It was SO moving.
RIKIYA
Interesting question. If I remember correctly, I was just standing around the Plaza when I heard a bunch of kids growling at each other and doing what can only be described as Werewolf LARP. I thought those breed of people were interesting, so I decided to make a report on them.
RIKIYA
Interesting. Well, that's all the time we have today. Thanks for joining us. I'm Jimmikiya FallonKimmelKozuka, this is the Rikiya show, tune in every month for a new episode. Don't forget to subscribe.
[ The video ends . .
or does it?
All of a sudden, a strip of text pops up reading “He is not the bestest person ever - Felix.” before the report ended completely. ]
