AmorNessa_
Level 6
Songs That Resonate with This Moment: (Fear - Kendrick Lamar) and (Again & Again - the bird and the bee)
Comparing someone to someone else can have a permanent effect on how that person views themselves. Especially when they are being pressured to be exactly like the person they are being compared to. It can make them lose their own identity and begin to become like the person they are being compared to. However, comparisons can be inaccurate if they never knew the person personally, which can often result in that person self-destructing from the pressure of everyone around them trying to make them into someone they don't know.
Kyoto, Japan.Comparing someone to someone else can have a permanent effect on how that person views themselves. Especially when they are being pressured to be exactly like the person they are being compared to. It can make them lose their own identity and begin to become like the person they are being compared to. However, comparisons can be inaccurate if they never knew the person personally, which can often result in that person self-destructing from the pressure of everyone around them trying to make them into someone they don't know.
Kali stared at the herself in the mirror, she could hear her family shuffling around through the house busily. She knew they were looking for her, another day of being treated as though she wasn't her own person. Another moment of feeling like she was an irrelevant person and just a replacement,
a stand-in for her mother, a placeholder for a woman she barely knew. she had no resentment or even hatred towards her mother, but, i
t was as though her family was trying to replace her with quickness.
She could somewhat understand their rush, but their comments, harsh words, and often forceful and somewhat abrasive behavior made it hard for her, as a child,
to understand why they were in such a rush to keep her from being herself. Kali wanted so desperately more than anything to be her own person, to be identified as a separate entity,
to be identified as an individual who had their own feelings, thoughts, ideas, and desires.
Kali's aunt, Chae-Young rushed into the bathroom, not a single knock, her hands full carrying the usual Koharu attire.
The bells jingling in sync with one another as the clothing was d****d over the counter, Kali slowly beginning to disassociate.
"네 엄마가 이런 머리카락을 절대 안 지키겠다고 말했잖아 당신은 내 말을 듣지 않는다, 칼리."
"I told you that your mother would never keep her hair like this. You do not listen to me Kali."
Her aunt spoke in Korean, of course, Kali understood, but she was partially trying not to pay attention. She rarely traveled to see her father's
side that was so infatuated with her mother.
But when she did, all they spoke was Korean, but, the more she listening, it sounded a lot like English.
"Kali? Are you listening to me?" Chae-Young asked again, grabbing her niece's face so she looked her in the eyes.
Kali huffed in irritation as she nodded her head in understanding, standing up as another pair of her aunts proceeded to walk in,
assisting her with putting on the kimono as well as the getas. They took the curls out of her hair and clipped small silver bells into her hair.
And just like that she was back to that place she hated being in as the many many comments comparing her to her mother began.
"She's too fat.. she'll never pass for Kali.." "You don't think we know that? She has her mother's face let's hope that is enough."
The long walk towards the teahouse, felt like a walk towards her own execution. She could hear the light taps of sandals against the ground,
she turned her attention to see her older brother running full force with a bouquet of roses towards her, a smile slowly appearing on her face.
"Kali! Kali wait wait! I brought these for you because I know how stressful they can get on you. You can braid my hair when you come back home."
Kurai huffed, attempting to catch his breath as he presented the bouquet of yellow and white roses towards his younger sister, sweat beading down his pale forehead.
"..thank you Kurai. But I can't accept those right now. Just leave them in the vase when I get home, I really appreciate the gesture."
She plucked one of the roses from the bouquet and put it in her older brother's hair, grinning at him.
Even despite the one year age gap, in Kurai's opinion, Kali was the older sibling, the one who had all the answers. Yet,
Kali felt as though no matter what she did, she would be compared to her mother. She had to have all the answers, she had to be there for everyone,
she had to take care of her family. It was the only thing she did that made her family ease off her and allow her to be her own person.
Every aspect of her life was dedicated to the satisfaction of a woman who was no longer living. Her hair, her outfit, her love life, even the children she'd have. This later would contribute to her people pleasing attitude when she was a young adult. A life of crime was never something she saw in her future,
but she felt obligated to stick by her brother no matter what choice he chose, because, that's something her mom would do.
Even despite every risk on her own life, her own well being, as long as the ones around her were safe that's all she cared about.
At one point, she had lost everything trying so hard to be there, lost all disregard for herself. She pushed herself beyond her limits and eventually,
she self-destructed. Her body physically couldn't carry her anymore and she came close to dying, but once again, she wasn't worried about herself,
or even her own health. She needed to be there, she needed to be back on the first flight to Karakura, Japan and be there to support her family.
And the point still stands, how can you be someone you never knew? How can you be someone that is a different variation depending on who is describing her.
From her aunts, her mother was a woman who cared more about others than herself, who would die if it meant another person could live.
From her uncles, her mother was a temptress, a woman who used seduction to get what she wanted and to put herself above and beyond others.
From her father, her mother was just that, her mom, a woman who had died so that she could live, and that she should spend the rest of her life repaying her mother for that.
From her brother Chinoike, her mother was a kind and family orientated woman, a woman who valued her family and treated everyone who entered her life as though they were apart of that family.
The constant threat of being disowned by her family also loomed over her head. If she wasn't good enough to pass as her mother, they would abandon her, outcast her, banish her. Because why would she want to be herself when she be a woman who was loved so deeply by her family?
"I am not my mother nor will I ever be here. I never want to be her. She is her own person and I am always sad that I never got to know her. I hate talking about my past, especially the actions I did when I was a young adult, the way I treated people, the way I acted and the bloodlust I had, I never want that again. I want to be different as I am getting older, I could never see myself doing it again. In my own opinion, my children do it enough for me." Kali chuckled at the mention of her own children, she was quite proud of them. She enjoyed talking about her children and her husband more than she enjoyed talking about herself.
"My husband and former lover helped me make the decision to be more natural.. mostly because they were tired of the black hair dye. I think I was too, it's very hard to wash black dye out of the sink if you've ever tried to color your hair. I don't even think my children are equipped to see me like this." "Imagine my former lover's surprise when the dye started coming out. It was a laugh for all of us. I love the two of them for helping me make this switch back to my roots."
"In my own opinion, as I look back on my childhood, I was never good enough to be like my mother.
She had qualities I just didn't and still don't possess, even now. I never knew her, but, I know
she'd love the person I am now. She wouldn't care what I wore, who I dated, how I
acted. She'd love me for me, which I was, I never understood my aunts,
my uncles, and even my father. I didn't understand how they wanted
me to act like someone I wasn't. My mother is a very touchy
subject for my brother Kurai because he saw firsthand
the obsession my family had towards my looks,
to even look like her now, no hair dye, no
lashes, just nothing.. natural, even to
do it years later, that is just a type
of experience I want to spare
my own children from. I
never want them to
feel how I felt
when I was
younger."
She had qualities I just didn't and still don't possess, even now. I never knew her, but, I know
she'd love the person I am now. She wouldn't care what I wore, who I dated, how I
acted. She'd love me for me, which I was, I never understood my aunts,
my uncles, and even my father. I didn't understand how they wanted
me to act like someone I wasn't. My mother is a very touchy
subject for my brother Kurai because he saw firsthand
the obsession my family had towards my looks,
to even look like her now, no hair dye, no
lashes, just nothing.. natural, even to
do it years later, that is just a type
of experience I want to spare
my own children from. I
never want them to
feel how I felt
when I was
younger."
