Jofash Resident: You know what, I’m glad you asked. Jofash Resident: Lots of people these days are going crazy for that ‘all-natural, multiple grains, bred ethically’ garbage. Jofash Resident: Really, I wish some of those nutters sit down and take a good bite of some raw, authentic Rye, or a hearty whole-wheat. Jofash Resident: That’s the stuff that puts hairs on your chest, my pappy used to say. Good, strong, proper bread from out in the fields. Jofash Resident: We used to be farmers, you know. Out near Maltic. WHEW! Glad I moved here though! Not many places serve better rum than good ol’ Jofash!
Jofash Resident: Back to the point at hand, though, bread. Man oh man I feel like I could go on forever about this. Jofash Resident: You know what people always miss when talking about bread, the CONSISTENCY! The consistency is consistently the most im- Jofash Resident: Oh, haha, ‘consistently,’ didn’t even mean to do that. Heheh... He seems distracted. Best to walk away while you can... [3] Bread. Jofash Resident: Ah, there you are! The ol’ train of thought gets derailed sometimes, you see. Jofash Resident: But I can tell that you’re a real enthusiast for bread! Jofash Resident: Back to the topic at hand! Consistency! The consistency is consistently the most important part of any good loaf. Jofash Resident: Overusin’ so-called “refined” grains is a sure and done way to get runny slop that’s not fit for the pigs. Jofash Resident: Come to think, you shouldn’t feed pigs refined grains anyway. It’s hard on their digestion. Jofash Resident: Of course! Digestion. A topic I’ll get to later! Jofash Resident: Anyway, whole grains are where the money’s at! I’d swear it on these plants. Jofash Resident: What you want is a thick-crusted, chewy loaf that you can savor! Not some frail morsel that collapses under its own weight. Why, the things I’ve seen... He begins to list off a seemingly endless amount of examples. [3] Bread.
It looks like he’s nearly finished. Jofash Resident: In particular, have you seen some of the scraps sold at Ahmsord? Ridiculous! Jofash Resident: I’ll let you in on a little secret. The Sky’s Kitchen is great and all, but what passes for bread there is intolerable. No substance at all! Jofash Resident: What you’ll want to do is get it straight from the fields, right from the soil! Well, not literally, but from the countryside! Leave breadmakin’ to those who’ve been workin’ with grain before they could walk on two legs! Jofash Resident: Heck, I bet even I could do better than those snobby sauciers. Jofash Resident: Right. Digestion. The fiber in whole-grain bread is a lifesaver. Jofash Resident: Did you know that whole-grain bread has four times the fiber of white bread? Now you do! Jofash Resident: Helps keep you full and fit. Want to avoid lookin’ like a loaf of white bread yourself? Fiber’s your man. Jofash Resident: Nothin’ beats a rich, fresh-ground fresh-baked loaf with a slab of flat-iron steak. Red meat and fiber make a real man, as my pappy once said. It seems like he’s lost in reminiscence. [3] Bread. Jofash Resident: Oh, how time flies. Where was I? Right, white bread. Jofash Resident: That stuff’s poison, I tell you! Not a lick of nutritional value! Jofash Resident: It’s more milk and sugar than bread! Hardly somethin’ you’d want to eat, never mind something for which you’d pay extra! Jofash Resident: Those hawkers can pretend that it’s an upper-crust good all they want, but we all know that it’s just a waste of dough. Jofash Resident: Heheh, I did it again! Sorry, sorry, I’ll get the train back on track. Heh... Jofash Resident: Blendin' grains? Why jumble the flavors and textures? Just make two loaves of bread instead of one! Or several, if we're talkin' about more than two types of grain. Jofash Resident: Say, that reminds me! Bread’s probably the most versatile food. You can make it from just about any type of grain. Jofash Resident: But just because you can doesn’t mean that you should. Who could stomach somethin’ like “Oatmeal-Bran Fusion Delight”? WHO WOULD EVEN MAKE BREAD OUT OF OATS?! Jofash Resident: Just a waste of food, in my opinion. Sure, it may be like the hottest new culinary sensation now, but it’ll die out like any other idiotic fad in just days. I’m positive that nobody’s eatin’ it for the taste, that’s for sure. Like “Seven Colors of the Grainbow,” or “Hearty Hemp-tastic,” or... He doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. [3] Bread.
Jofash Resident: ...and don’t get me started on “Pain au Cinfras”! But really, Oatmeal-Bran Fusion Delight is among the worst. Oh! That reminds me about a better use for oats. Jofash Resident: If you want to avoid bein’ three sheets to the wind after a busy night of Jofash Rum, then eat a hearty bowl of oatmeal. Jofash Resident: Sounds crazy, I know. But it actually works. Take it from me; I’ve tried it! Jofash Resident: While anythin’ made of grain helps, oats are particularly good at this. Jofash Resident: And I’d bet my bread that you’d rather eat oatmeal than Oatmeal-Bran Fusion Delight, whatever that’s supposed to be. Jofash Resident: Though, it seems like you can’t just get a good loaf of bread nearby. Sure, there’s sailin’ biscuits, but that hardly qualifies! Jofash Resident: I can’t stomach the fancy stuff, so I just make my own. Not only is it cheaper, but it also tastes much better. Jofash Resident: It isn’t too difficult. Besides the obvious, you’ll just need some salt and yeast. Grab something to write with, y’hear? Take some notes! It seems like he's waiting expectantly. [3] Bread. Jofash Resident: Ready? Right, let’s get started! The less ingredients you use, the closer you’ll be to makin’ a real loaf! Not the wannabe poundcakes eaten by wannabe spendthrifts. Jofash Resident: There’s a common misconception that you need sugar for the yeast to start risin’. Not true! Jofash Resident: Give it some time, and bread without sugar will rise just as well. If you want somethin’ good, you need to put in the time and effort for it! Jofash Resident: Get it right, and you’ll have the perfect taste and texture for nothin’ more than a few hours of your time! Jofash Resident: Let me make it clear: you don’t want sugar in your bread. It’ll do a number on its taste and your teeth. Jofash Resident: I’ll cover the taste first. The sugar fights with the raw, savory flavors of an otherwise respectable loaf of bread. Jofash Resident: It also fights with your teeth. Bread’s quite sticky as it is, and the sugar doesn’t do it any favors. Jofash Resident: Why, I can still remember the time that I got a cavity. Cried my eyes out, I did. Jofash Resident: Eventually, my pappy had enough, and he went for the ol’ string-on-a-doorknob trick. He got me good there, though it took him a few tries. He’s thoughtfully rubbing his jaw. Best to leave him be.
[3] Bread. Jofash Resident: Ah, it seems like I got distracted. Back to the topic at hand. Jofash Resident: You aren’t goin’ to get quite as much of an effect on your digestion than coarse-ground whole-grain bread. It keeps most of the fiber intact, after all. Jofash Resident: You know how fruit juice contains next to no fiber because none of it goes into the juice? It’s the same deal with white bread. Jofash Resident: Fruit juice was banned in my household. As my pappy liked to say, a real man only drinks hard spirits and the sweat runnin’ down his face! Though I wasn’t allowed to have the former, not yet at least! Heheh! So I drank milk instead. Jofash Resident: Say, if you haven’t done so already, try bread dipped in milk! Go on! There’s nothin’ quite like it. Don’t accidentally drop the bread into the milk, of course. Jofash Resident: You’ll end up with a bloated mess with the consistency of a sponge. And you should know by now that consistency is everythin’! Jofash Resident: While we’re on the subject of milk, do you know some folks can’t drink it? Oh, yes, they can try, but sooner or later their belly will protest. Jofash Resident: It’s the same deal with bread! Stick with whole-grain, nothin’ added. That way, you don’t have to worry about surprise milk appearances and whatnot. Jofash Resident: You got that? Let me know when you’re ready for more. Say, you know what? I oughta talk a bit slower to help you digest what I’m sayin’. Oh! “Digest”! I did it again! Heheh... He’s beaming with pride. [3] Bread. Jofash Resident: Right, then, somethin’ that really peeves me is people who use bakin’ powder. What’s wrong with some good ol’ yeast? Jofash Resident: Too little of it, and it’ll go plum flat in the oven. Just a little too much of it, and your bread’s going to be as bitter as wormwood! Jofash Resident: The only way to get a size that’s just right is the long way! Wait until the yeast works its magic, and bake it right as it reaches its good size. Jofash Resident: There’s also nothin’ quite like the smell of yeast as it causes the dough to rise! Works up quite the appetite, it does. Jofash Resident: Some people put the cart before the horse and think that yeast works like bakin’ powder. Try that, and you’ll end up with scorchin’-hot bricks in your oven. Jofash Resident: No, you have to do it right, and doin’ it right means leavin’ some of the work to the yeast. Jofash Resident: Unless you like flat breads. I can’t see why anyone would, though. Bread’s supposed to be puffy and chewy, not some dough jerky! Jofash Resident: Though that may not be the case for other pastries. For one, I’ve never once heard of a pie with a chewy crust. Jofash Resident: Really, the beauty in bread lies with it’s simplicity! No complicated steps, no chances for the dough to rebel. Certainly not as fickle as somethin’ like a cream puff. Jofash Resident: If you treat the dough with respect, the bread will respect you in turn. It’s simple stuff, really! No finnickin’ around with stiff peaks, or needin’ half a dozen bowls to mix in, or getting a flaky dough just right, or... He proceeds to rattle off several grievances about pastry making. [3] Bread. Jofash Resident: ...and not to mention that just about everythin’ needs butter in some shape or form! Really, what’s with it? It’s not like the stuff grows on trees! Jofash Resident: Makin’ the pastry shiny. Makin’ it taste rich. Makin’ the dough thick. There’s no end to it! Bread’s so much simpler to handle. Jofash Resident: Though some people insist upon puttin’ butter in the bread. Not just on it, but in it! There’s more butter than bread at that point! Jofash Resident: I don’t have anythin’ against butter itself, mind you. It’s great on toast! Just I think it oughta stay on the toast rather than in it. Jofash Resident: Not to mention that there’s a time, place, and occasion for it. If you put butter on everythin’, you’re goin’ to get sick of it real quickly. Eat it in moderation! Your tongue and your emerald pouch will thank you. Jofash Resident: Of course, there’s always margarine, but why settle for somethin’ inferior? You shouldn’t settle for anythin’ less than the quality you’d expect from your bread! Jofash Resident: Though, now that I look at it, bread does get a reputation for bein’ a breakfast food. That’s ridiculous! It’s got a place in every meal of the day! Jofash Resident: Sandwiches? They’ve got bread in ‘em. Casseroles? Any respectable one has it as a shell. Breadsticks? It’s in the name for cryin’ out loud! Jofash Resident: Done right, and it’s also great as a side. I already mentioned having a fresh-ground fresh-baked loaf of whole-grain with a slab of flat-iron steak, but really, a well-sliced loaf and some dippin’ butter can transform a family dinner into a banquet! Jofash Resident: They’re almost as versatile as potatoes! Actually, even more so, I’d say! Jofash Resident: As my pappy liked to say, a real man’s got to earn his daily bread through his own toilin’. As you can see, I’ve taken his advice to heart! Jofash Resident: ...I feel that I’m missin’ somethin’ important that I wanted to discuss. Hang on for a bit, would you? It seems like he’s deep in thought.
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