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Takashu And Tarasha

JayTaskQuest

Level 19
{This entire scene is based on a Katana Fight}

Takashu and Tarasha were two brothers who lived in a small village based close to Huangnan China one day the lover of Takashu which is named Natasha would be found in a hotel room near Baiyin, dead after weeks of crying and sadness Takashu would move on and get his life straight still living together with his brother Tarasha but after more weeks the police department came with shocking news about the scene that played earlier in Baiyin the handprints of Takashu his older brother Tarasha were found on the dead body of Natasha, when this news got discovered Tarasha was arrested by the police when he came out on bail and came back to his old house were still his brother Takashu was living it all escalated quickly.
Takashu would hear footsteps while sitting on the couch watching a TV program about crime syndicates as he would take a look at the wooden door with carved circles in it after 10 seconds of just footsteps Tarasha comes walking into the room filled with rage Takashu steps up from the couch to start screaming at his older brother : Why, WHY TARASHA WHY. As he would slowly move on to the TV where above two shining Katana's would be held to protect the household from any intruders as the Katana's would have a wooden grip with Beautiful carved dragon patterns on it as they would be sharper than anything to be found in the household Takashu grabs one of the Beautiful Katana's as his older brother would say to him in his calm manners : Takashu, stop. Think about what you are doing. Yet this would be too late with Takashu moving his two hands around the grip of the Katana while he steps up closer to Tarasha bringing the Katana up high in the sky tightening the grip he has on the swords as he would bring it down onto Tarasha, Tarasha would let out a loud screaming sound as he would bring his leg up making the Katana cut his Ankle Band as a alert would be send to the police and a loud ''Tssss'' would be heard through the room, Tarashi brings up his leg kicking it into the stomach of his younger brother while with the other leg holding a steady grip standing on the wooden detailed floor of the Old Fashioned Chinese House after he kicked Takashu into the stomach he would bring his elbow down with an all-devastating force onto the neck of Takashu yet Takashu would manage to stick his leg out just far enough to kick Tarasha onto the back of his heel making him fall to the ground quickly as Takashu gets back up from the devastating hit he grabs the Katana again, only his older brother is nowhere to be seen as he would look above the TV zero Katana's would be hanging there as he would hear a loud scream and see a Katana coming down to his head, it was Tarasha with a tight grip around the Katana as Takashu would manage to quickly bring his own Katana up blocking the hit slamming the back of his own Katana onto the nose of Tarasha which would get to heavy bleedings right after the devastating hit, yet he would move on and the Katana's would once again be united with a loud ''Tssss'' from the steel to steel hit while the two swords hit each other they would walk in a circle as Takashu out of all anger would do a couple of swings into the direction of Tarasha with all of them being blocked by the calm Tarasha till he swings his sword to the side of the stomach of Takashu leaving a deep cut now the even more angered Takashu would scream in pain letting a rain of attacks come down on Tarasha, Tarasha not able to block all the attacks would recieve a Katana into his shoulder and he would scream from the devastating cut in his shoulder he would move forward bringing his own Katana deep through the heart of Takashu with Takashu screaming from the all-devastating hit as Tarasha would think the fight is over he gets his Katana back from the body with Takashu dropping onto the ground the Katana of Takashu still in his shoulder but this time slicing even way deeper into it as a loud sound would be heard made by the falling body of Takashu, a loud ''bang'' would be heard with the door falling down on the old fashioned wooden floor as police units would move in keeping their guns ready to shoot yet the only thing they find is a body on the ground and one more body on his knees with a katana through his body.
 

pvpstarr

Level 65
It's a great story, but If I were you're creative writing teacher I'd give you an A- because I see areas where punctuation can be used but you didn't, so it kinda makes it awkward.E.G "he would bring his elbow down with an all-devastating force on Takashu, yet Takashu would manage to stick...." ETC. if you don't have punctuation it quakes it seemed rushed, also, if this was a REAL whole book they wouldn't be able to breathe. Other than that great story! I really enjoyed this.
 
Last edited:

Schuyler

Level 9
It's a great story, but If I were you're creative writing teacher I'd give you an A- because I see areas where punctuation can be used but you didn't, so it kinda makes it awkward.E.G "he would bring his elbow down with an all-devastating force on Takashu, yet Takashu would manage to stick...." ETC. if you don't have punctuation it quakes it seemed rushes, also, if this was a REAL whole book they wouldn't be able to breathe. Other than that great story! I really enjoyed this.
You kill the meaning of fun.
 

Infold

Level 153
I see areas where punctuation can be used but you didn't, so it kinda makes it awkward.E.G "he would bring his elbow down with an all-devastating force on Takashu, yet Takashu would manage to stick...." ETC. if you don't have punctuation it quakes it seemed rushes, also, if
Ma'am, I don't see why you're judging something in terms teaching, and yourself trying to put an example, has failed. "if you don't have punctuation it seemed rushes... " You have failed to even end a past tense correctly, "If you don't contain punctuation, it could be assumed of being a rushed writing." And look at the way you structured your paragraph yourself, it mainly contains commas and only has three periods and one exclamation mark. Rather not criticize someone like that, but I do respect that you said that the story is great. But make sure not to judge people's ideas or someone one day, like me, could also use your words against you.
 

JayTaskQuest

Level 19
Thread starter
Ill give you guys PUNctuation
 

pvpstarr

Level 65
ok 1. relevance im a boy but moving on 2. thank you for pointing out my mistake as it was on my phone yesterday.
I'm sorry if this came of rudely but it just irks me if i cant stop and breathe, so thats why i pointed it out.
(i would quote this but idk how to quote stuff sooo)
 

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